Releasing the ‘why’…

Insight from Thriving Women

Writing Contribution by Jenna Dail

“I pull up into our driveway, heart racing, holding back the tears. I look over to my right and grab the crinkled Things Remembered bag that ever so tightly carries my boys in their new home. The anger sets in.

I’m now getting my daughter out of her car seat with a backpack on my back, babies in my right hand and heading to free my four-year-old from his car seat.

I’m juggling my four kids. This isn’t how I envisioned it. This hurts.

miscarriage, motherhood

I wrote a story on my blog two and a half years ago that still replays in my mind every single day.

This wasn’t just any story, it’s my story, and while I continue to live it there are days I’m faced with the unending question, “Why me? Why them? Why us,” but along the way I have learned to release the why and embrace the who, because she matters.

Three years ago, I found myself surprised as my doctor announced we were expecting twins. “Twins, how can we have twins?” I thought as I nursed my nine month old baby and struggled to hold her as I tried to keep my three year old son from climbing the bed in our OBGYN’s room. I laughed at the thought but it didn’t take long for me to fall in love with the idea of being a mother of four.

What I thought to be a healthy pregnancy with identical twins turned to be a very serious and life-threatening experience (for all three of us)  that forced me to grasp hold of a hope I wasn’t sure I’d truly find.

But faith got me there.  After being diagnosed with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, my worst nightmare began as the domino effects of trying to save our twins’ lives started with a laser surgery that quickly turned into a month long bed rest and ended with my broken heart as I was wheeled out of the hospital empty-handed and no longer pregnant.

Grady and Ryder were born pre-maturely as I was five months pregnant, and their little bodies were just too young to fight any longer. After all, we had fought the long, grueling fight for a month straight already, but as I found myself wandering the rooms of my home, I couldn’t help but question if I had gone through all the heartache for nothing or if there was something more to our story, their story, that I was missing.

miscarriage, mom, baby

Their story begins with the color blue and ends in hope.

Through our bed rest journey and grief journey, I’ve learned there’s a need in our hospitals and community that is lacking; Support for mothers on bed rest and comfort for the ones grieving the loss of her infant.

Bed rest can leave a mother feeling scared, degraded, in physical pain and feeling she’s alone. It has been known to keep her away from her children at home, unable to sit up or even shower and sometimes leaves her longing for prayer but left not knowing what to say. It can make a season feel hopeless, when in fact it is full of God’s hope.

After the loss of her precious baby, a mother’s grief can make her feel lost, unworthy and alone.

child-loss

Through each piece of our story, the idea of a Non-Profit, The Color Blue and Hope and Boxes of Hope and Boxes of Love became the glue that restored my heart by unveiling the purpose in it all; Her.

One in four women will or have experienced this same heartbreak. Some will be placed on a grueling bed rest, as I was prior to our delivery, to fight for their unborn baby, and some will drive to the hospital glowing with joy and leave with empty arms. One in four women.

purpose loss

My Grady and Ryder were born with a purpose much larger than I could plan for.

hope help mother child

It hurts to live this life without them and missing them shatters me to my core, but I know deep down God is still good and His plans are far better than mine.

There’s one in four women who need my story to remind them they’re not alone in their pain, and quite frankly, I need hers. There’s a woman on bed rest ready to give up, and sharing a glimpse of God’s hope with her might just help her fight another day, and through it all I’ve learned the true privilege of being a mother.

motherhood

Day after day, I juggle my four children, two in my heart and two here to hold, but I’ve learned motherhood is loud, messy and a long road we journey always wondering if we’re doing it right, but motherhood is also full of joy, belly-laughs and the most memorable moments that my heart longs to grasp onto for as long as I’m living. I’ve learned there’s a group of mothers who do not want to brush their story under the rug and rather embrace the brave within the broken because they have a Savior who’s not ready to end their story just yet because it matters; because she matters.

And so, if you find yourself replaying your story in your mind every single day, know that it’s not just any story, it’s your story, and try not to grasp ever so tightly to the whys strung within each line but embrace the who because soon enough you’ll find, they matter.


About Jenna

color of blue and hopeJenna is a Florida girl longing for a Nashville world, Wife, Mother of four {two here to hold & two she longs to see again in Heaven}, Wedding & Event Designer/Planner, Writer, Founder of The Color Blue & Hope & she’s on a mission to spread God’s Hope, Love & Joy to women who are fighting for their unborn baby through bed rest and mothers grieving the loss of her infant. Jenna is a lover of coffee, laughing and embracing the beauty within the chaos. She lives a messy and loud beautiful life and she believes it’s all about grace.

Connect with Jenna at www.thecolorblueandhope.com, Instagram, Facebook, and her personal Instagram

 

 

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  1. Brooke
    June 21, 2017, 1:22 EST

    Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story and the mission is has inspired. I absolutely love this and feel so glad to have an option for mamas who need it.

    • MightyD
      June 21, 2017, 2:20 EST

      Thanks for your comment Brooke! Jenna is truly inspiring! And what a gift to give to other women. THIS is what life is all about! xo~D

  2. Kristi
    June 22, 2017, 5:30 EST

    Heartbreaking! As soon as I read “1 in 4”, faces of women I know who have suffered this way popped to mind.
    I pray for them, be there for them but this looks like a great source of encouragement too.

    • MightyD
      June 22, 2017, 6:25 EST

      Kristi! I would be honored if you shared this article with them or sent them a link to http://www.thecolorblueandhope.com — Jenna’s passion is to give these women hope. And it’s such a gift! Thanks for sharing! xo~D

  3. Juliette | Namastay
    June 22, 2017, 7:05 EST

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m sure we all know someone who can relate to this and it’s so important we share the message of strength and hope. Beautifully written, sending love your way.

    • MightyD
      June 23, 2017, 1:19 EST

      Thanks for your comment Juliette! I so agree!! xo~D

  4. Samantha Carter
    June 22, 2017, 7:16 EST

    This is such a powerful story of the strength and hope that can be born of loss. I was on partial bed rest for the last four months of my pregnancy, and it’s true that it can be a terrifying, and incredibly painful both emotionally and physically. I love the idea of a support system for mothers fighting for their unborn babies, and for those whose angels are waiting for them in Heaven. Thank you for sharing this!

    • MightyD
      June 23, 2017, 1:18 EST

      Samantha! Thank you for sharing with us. I am so grateful you got through your bed rest and I too am grateful for what Jenna is doing! xo~D

  5. Becca
    June 22, 2017, 7:58 EST

    Jenna, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am very sorry for your loss. As a mother of three angel babies taken from us far too soon and two babies here on earth, my heart is with you. I can’t say that I feel your pain, everyone’s pain is unique, but I have felt my own and I understand that this kind of heartbreak never really heals. You have found a beautiful way to honor your sons’ memories and to help others in need. I absolutely believe that angel babies are given to us for a special reason. They are our saddest, sweetest gift. Wishing you and your family peace and love.

    • MightyD
      June 23, 2017, 1:17 EST

      Such a loving and authentic comment Becca! Thank you for sharing! xo~D

  6. Alexandra
    June 22, 2017, 8:55 EST

    This was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your story- it’s so inspiring to see you use something so difficult to glorify the Lord. Praying for you and your family!

    • MightyD
      June 23, 2017, 1:16 EST

      Alexandra! There is hope even in our darkest hour! Thanks for your comment! xo~D

  7. Rose
    June 22, 2017, 11:09 EST

    What an amazing, much-needed initiative! Thank you for sharing this story.

    • MightyD
      June 23, 2017, 1:16 EST

      It’s my honor to be her liaison today! xo~D

  8. Jessica
    June 22, 2017, 8:19 EST

    Thank you for sharing this, I feel like I could be helping mothers who have lost and mothers who are struggling in the beginning more but i’m really not sure how. Thank you for sharing this.

  9. Ambi
    June 23, 2017, 10:57 EST

    Such a strong woman with a beautiful testimony. I can’t imagine the pain but I pray the Lord give you beauty for your ashes

    • MightyD
      June 23, 2017, 1:15 EST

      How beautiful Ambi, thanks for your words for Jenna! xo~D